Just come in because the wind is too cold. It’s the longest day of the year. I was up at 0330 to walk the dog and have a cup of tea, and then read (House of Mirth, half way through), and snoozed and got up; listened to the World Service (0530) over breakfast, then worked… until about an hour ago.
For a while (i.e. for the last 10 years), I thought I had give up on humanity, too many stories, too much caring, too much empathy, too much exposure (e.g. to the hell hole of Kings Cross) – and that’s why I am here, surrounded by dusty aristocrats and sheep.
But (… I laugh) the life spirit seems at last to be returning. So what do I do now. Today I was reflecting on recent interactions, and it made me think how different (and difficult) we all are. We have constructed our likes and dislikes, and just add to them with time and experience. How on earth are we going to meet someone who… of course here the Kleinian in me reflects on how all our current narrative of ourselves, contains an Other (yet one of our internal objects) – who of course is the who we are “looking for”, but never seem to discover – since discovery involves finding something/someone new, and that involves the painful refutation/Popper accommodation/Piaget of change. Blah, blah, blah…
I think I am probably quite strange. I hate the concept of “baggage”, it seems to deny the complexity of life, and the unique path we all take. After a long journey, I now like myself, I like my life, I love where I live, and I love the space and time I have to breath (and read).
Regeneration is that slow process of recover from shell-shock, from naivety, from idealism, from too much self-less-ness. And I am excited about the future – new ventures, time to read (of course), learn some jazz piano theory/improvisation, the salsa club tomorrow night, maybe take a flying lesson with Dave in a PA28 later in the week….